January 5, 2012
Feedback to Move Forward by Sheryl Eberly
Our family is gathered around the holiday table, college kids enjoying home-cooked goodness. The mood is light. I decide to toss out a question: Hey kids, what should my New Year’s resolutions be this year?
This is a different approach for me. Typically I come up with my own resolutions, starting the process by reflecting on the year gone by, thinking about what hasn’t worked as I’d hoped, tugging at my waistband to check for snugness, imagining an accomplishment that would bring a sense of pride. Next I write down my ideas and tuck away the list for later reference and accountability. Usually it’s a solitary process, at least in the formation stage. I don’t really know why this time I leap to place my planning for the year ahead in the hands of others.
But the kids are already prepared for my question. They don’t waste a minute in coming up with resolutions. You could relax a little bit, one asserts. Be less intense. Find better ways to handle the stresses of life.
Forget about trying to do things perfectly, one chimes in.
Not one suggests that I need to accomplish more or lose a couple of pounds. They don’t even take thirty seconds to decide what they want to tell me. I’m amazed, and tentatively grateful for the advice. I begin to see things differently. And I wonder what took me so long to ask for feedback.
Several years pass, and I reflect on the value of asking others for feedback.
Feedback is essential to growth – especially for personal growth and effectiveness with people. In feedback, leaders have a powerful tool to increase their self awareness and put a finger on what is really important to work on.
Conventional paths to growth – seminars and books, certifications and skills training – may add to a leader’s expertise, but they rarely add to the leader’s true effectiveness with people. Relating well to others – emotional intelligence is a term that is often used – requires a different kind of training. In fact, it may not require training at all; it requires awareness – self-awareness and social awareness. That’s where feedback comes in. It’s where co-workers and peers and friends assist with the training.
When is the last time you asked someone you work with: How am I doing these days? How do you experience me? What might I do to be a better manager? How can I improve as a leader?
As I discovered at the dinner table several years ago, asking for feedback, though it may feel risky, is illuminating and worthwhile. You might just get a new perspective on how other people see you – and it may be different from how you see yourself.
We welcome your comments at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
December 20, 2011
Timeless Truths by Jerry Murray
One of our stated beliefs at North Group is that “there are very few shortcuts to personal development and organizational growth.” Personal development doesn’t happen in a microwave oven. It’s slow roasted with great care and intentionality. The concept is simple, but not easy. It’s simple, because timeless life truths are known and admired: have an others-centered focus; live with integrity (100% of the time); be generous (relationally and materially); maintain self control; the list could continue. We know these things. However, they are not easy because we want results now. Without accountability and discipline, most of us are prone to wander from what we know to be true. Some of us may wonder whether the patient application of timeless truths is even worth it.
A few weeks ago, I visited Berkshire Hathaway’s website. You’ve probably heard of the company. Berkshire Hathaway is a publicly traded investment manager with a stellar reputation for investing intelligence and financial results. Warren Buffett, CEO, took over in 1964 when the stock price was less than $20 per share. Today, the price exceeds $75,000 per share. The number is staggering, as is the company’s growth rate of over 20% compounded annually for the past 45+ years. Equally staggering to me is the company’s website. Check it out some time. It’s nuts and bolts – no flash, no glitz, no glamour. It’s fascinating to consider the company’s preference for simplicity in light of its nearly unlimited access to resources. As I learn more about decision-making at Berkshire Hathaway, I’ve found that a long term perspective is at the root of their success and is lived out through disciplined application of timeless business truths. Invest for the long-term; hire very well; motivate leadership appropriately; make investments that you fully understand; avoid fads and get rich quick schemes. Basic, timeless business truths have led to the company’s unprecedented and unmatched success.
With just a few shopping days remaining, I’m grateful for the opportunity to take a breath and consider the timeless meaning of Christmas. The creator God gifted his son to us, to live among us so that we could “have life to the full.” Despite being God’s son, Jesus entered the world more humbly than most. During His life on earth, Jesus did not shortcut success, but sacrificed much, ultimately to deliver the greatest, most timeless impact of anyone who ever lived.
This Christmas, accept the gift that comes from acknowledging timeless truths. Be inspired to invest effort every day to live with a long term perspective to your benefit and to the benefit of your organization.
Merry Christmas!
We welcome your comments at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
December 5, 2011
Are You Sure You Know the Whole Story? by Joanne Ladley
As a consultant with the North Group I get to facilitate a number of peer groups. Establishing ground rules is always part of the first meeting’s agenda and “no judgments” is always one of our ground rules. Judgment makes it so easy to jump to conclusions or to form an opinion even if you don’t know the whole story. When you’re creating a safe environment you’re fostering a healthy community – be it a peer group or an entire city – and quick judgments do not further your cause.
I enjoy a very special opportunity as an Affiliated Consultant with North Group. It means I get to take on projects as my time and North Group’s demand allow. Consider this story from a tradition called “Giving Back” which the team members of Kitchen Kettle Village – where I spend the other part of my working life – have established at Christmastime.
The Giving Back program spreads across two school districts. Families receive Christmas dinner and other gifts for their children that they would otherwise not have. We hold bake sales, pancake breakfasts and gather donations from vendors and guests so we can collect and distribute items to those in need.
The spouse (let’s call him John) of one team member, who is particularly moved by the project, reluctantly offered one year to help distribute the gifts when the families came to pick them up at Kitchen Kettle the Friday before Christmas. That night a particular gentleman drove into the parking lot in a beautiful, expensive car and much to John’s surprise got in the line to pick up his free dinner and gifts.
“He drives a nicer car than I do,” John said rather angrily. “What’s he doing here?” As the driver of the car went through the food line it became obvious that John was going to be the one to help this gentleman carry the food and Christmas gifts to the man’s car. Imagine his surprise when the gift recipient asked if John knew how to open the trunk. The man said, “I don’t have a car and my neighbor let me borrow his to come get my food. I’ve never had so nice a car and don’t know where the buttons are to open the trunk.”
Remember, no judgment is a ground rule. You might not know the whole story.
We welcome your comments at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
September 20, 2011
On Listening by Sheryl Eberly
I can be a terrible listener, and I’m trying to understand why. I’ve discovered one thing that contributes to my challenge is there are often two voices contributing at once to conversations. The first voice belongs to the person who is speaking to me; the second is my own internal voice. It’s the voice of my thoughts. Often these two voices compete.
Here’s what I’ve observed: As I’m attempting to listen, the other person’s voice can sound as jumbled and spotty as a weak radio signal. Their lips are moving right there in front of me, and yet I’m not really hearing what they’re saying. This is because the voice of my own thoughts is coming through clearer to me, and more urgently. It can be demanding and certain. I’m listening more to the thought track in my head than to the other person.
I want to stay alert to this and find ways to focus more on what the other person is saying.
Have you noticed this dynamic in your conversations? Here’s an example of how it can crop up – Imagine an office conversation between two co-workers who are discussing their roles in a project:
FIRST PERSON: I don’t think we should move forward with this project in the way you’re suggesting. What you’re asking will require skills I don’t think our team has. Plus we’re busy right now, and it’s not the time to try something new. I recommend moving forward at a different time and in a different way.
SECOND PERSON: Okay, we’ll find a way to get the project done.
(Internal thoughts, not spoken aloud): You’re selling the team short. You have no idea how much more productive we could all be. This project would benefit from our full engagement. I’ll find a way to convince you. It’ll just take some time. I have an idea about how this will play out, and you’ll come to see it my way I’m sure.
As the second person listens, he pays more attention to his own ideas and plans, and while he gives a brief assent to the ideas the other person expresses, internally he’s discounting their validity and starting to form his own rebuttal. How could he be a better listener? How can you and I deal with the same dynamics in our conversations?
Consider these approaches:
- Be aware of the two voices. Put your internal one on the back burner.
- Give the other person time to fully convey what they want to say. Ask questions to be sure you’re clear about their meaning.
- Paraphrase back to the other person what you’ve heard them saying. Ask them: Is that what you meant?
- Listen beyond the other person’s words. Is there emotion in their eyes or voice? When there is, they’re telling you something that’s important to them.
- Give value to the other person’s perspective.
- STAY aware of the two voices.
What have you discovered about how to be a more effective listener? We’d like to hear from you at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
September 6, 2011
Amazing Grace by Jerry Murray
It had been hours since we beached the raft that carried our family down eight miles of rapids on the Lehigh River. We were tired, cold and extremely HUNGRY. We eagerly awaited our favorite pizza and it was almost here. Each family member had already commented how long it was taking when our server showed up with a smile and hot pizza in hand. Finally!
It happened in slow motion. As the waitress departed, our seven year old son, distracted by the restaurant television, turned towards the table with great enthusiasm. As he did, his forearm nailed the sweet spot of a cup holding 28 ounces of cold, sticky, lemony lemonade with force comparable to that of a Baltimore Ravens’ linebacker into Ben Roethlisberger. As liquid flew airborne, the only question was… where would it land? Amazingly, no family members were hit. Like a heat seeking missile, Jared’s entire drink landed squarely on top of the dinner that we had anticipated moments before. You can imagine my shock, disappointment and annoyance. I was blind. What a great teaching opportunity. Thankfully, my nine year old daughter, Ella didn’t miss it. Ella’s justice orientation typically demands payment for all iniquities. She stared at Jared, then with great sensitivity, softened her expression and said – “that’s ok kid, we’ve all done something like that before.” Jared sensed her sincerity and responded (much to my shock), “when we get back to the car, I’m going to hug you.” Two surprising statements – a proud moment for my wife, Kim, and me.
Grace is amazing. It’s amazing to the person receiving it. It frees you to be yourself; to love someone back; it also creates a spirit of gratefulness. Grace is amazing to the one offering it. You see the life giving impact and know you are responsible; you experience the freedom from bitterness that could steal your own “life”. Grace is also amazing to those who witness it. It motivates us all to live better.
A few years ago I learned first-hand how freeing grace can be. I had been harboring bitterness over a work situation that wasn’t resolving itself. Something woke me up one night, so I started to reread portions of a popular book called The Shack by William P. Young. I was incredibly moved by a comment by “Papa” on page 225. “Forgiveness is first for you, the forgiver…to release you from something that will eat you alive, that will destroy your joy and your ability to love fully and openly.” Forgiveness is a gift to me? I was missing freedom from bitterness that was available to me all along? I’m afraid that we all do this sometimes.
In the many competitive environments that we each live, there are ample opportunities for hurt and bitterness to set in. Don’t believe the lie – that someone doesn’t deserve our grace. Forgiveness and grace are for your freedom. Offer them freely and see how everyone in your family, community, church or company benefits.
We welcome your comments at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
August 20, 2011
Relationship Checkpoints by Joanne Ladley
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships. What role do I play in creating the quality of the relationships I enjoy and treasure? And, is that role any different in the relationships that aren’t quite so easily enjoyed? Why are some relationships so frustrating and others so carefree?
The only constant ingredient in a relationship is me. If I’m not part of the equation, I can’t claim the relationship. So I must be the reason some interactions are easier than others, right? As much as I’d like to blame the other person when a conversation goes awry, it probably has more to do with me than with anyone else. Given that, I’ve developed a few checkpoints to ensure I’ve given 100% to the advancement of a healthy interaction.
Stop what you’re doing and honor the other person in this relationship by being with just them. We all pride ourselves on multi-tasking. We think we can’t survive unless we’re able to juggle five different balls which represent very important aspects of our life – our children, our spouses, our jobs, our bosses, our friendships. But think about it, you are only able to do one thing at a time at any one moment. The trick is to learn to be totally with the person or task you’re doing in any particular instant. No interruptions, no distractions, just one thing at a time. With practice, you may learn to move quickly from one person or task to the next. But at any given moment you are only focused on one thing.
Listen, I mean really listen, to what the other person is saying to you. Blank your mind, don’t have your answer ready before he even finishes speaking, don’t interrupt, and look him in the eye while he’s talking. Have you ever sat in silence? If you’re like me, a voice starts talking in your head during silence. It starts to remind you of all the things you have to do and wonders why you’re wasting time listening to nothing. When I’m listening to someone else talk, that voice still comes through sometimes. I’m not sure who that voice is but I do know I have the power to choose to quiet it. I just need to practice listening to only one person at a time.
Follow through on any commitments you’ve made. At the end of a conversation, make sure you know what you promised to do as a follow up. And then do it. And, do it in the timeframe you agreed. Don’t make promises lightly and be very clear what it was you promised to do.
Relationships are not to be taken lightly. If for some reason you betray a relationship, all you can do is hope and trust that the other person will allow you to make it right. If they don’t want to do that, you have very few alternatives. Checking your own role against a few basic habits like the ones listed above honors the esteem you give to another person who is important to you. And when someone else feels as if they’re important, it’s a pretty good foundation for a healthy, reciprocal and exciting relationship.
We welcome your comments at blog@northgroupconsultants.com.
June 6, 2011
Self Leadership by Sheryl Eberly
I really shouldn’t be sitting here eating coconut sorbet as I write this post. I’d have exercised a whole lot more self discipline if I’d left it in the freezer case at Costco. But I didn’t. There it was, an enticing 12-pack of assorted exotic-fruit mini desserts, beckoning colorfully to me. I tucked it happily into my cart and brought it home.
I don’t always manage to do what I know I should do. Yet that is one of the foundational disciplines of a leader – the consistent, intentional practice of self leadership. It really isn't possible to lead others until we learn to lead ourselves well.
Self leadership has many facets. Here are a few ways to practice it:
Make and keep commitments to yourself. Stephen Covey says in his book, The 8th Habit, that when you do what you tell yourself you’ll do – exercise, stay on top of your work, get enough sleep, learn something new – you build a sense of personal integrity. The result is you can forget about yourself and be genuinely focused on and empathetic toward others. When you allow yourself to be ruled by whim and passion, your focus stays on yourself.
Identify what you value. These are your values. Dig deep and figure out what they are. Do you value hard work? Generosity? Humility? Service? When you’ve made a list, keep it close at hand and use your values as a filter for the choices you make. Ask yourself, does this action represent humility on my part? Will others experience me as generous if I choose this path? Strive to live in alignment with your values.
Find the courage to speak your truth. Don’t expect others to read your mind. Instead, practice speaking in productive ways. For example, rather than grumbling you may choose to express a request for how you would like things to be different. Recognize that some conversations may bring up emotion for you. That’s part of speaking your truth. See if you can find ways to engage in important conversations even when you are concerned about emotions.
Practice genuine curiosity about others. Let go of the idea that you must have everything figured out. Listen to the stories of others. Let go of your certainty about them. Ask them to tell you more. Expect to be surprised by the new insights you gain.
Incorporate a regular “pause” ritual into your life. This is your time to get centered. It’s an opportunity to replace the stresses of life with purpose and calm. Your ritual may have a spiritual focus. It may have a physical component. You might read and meditate. You might take a walk in nature or write your thoughts in a journal. Others won’t know about the ritual you choose, but most likely they’ll feel its impact on how you “show up” each day.
How have you chosen to lead yourself? Let us hear from you at blog@northgroupconsultants.com. And by the way, the mango and pineapple sorbet is as good as the coconut!
